youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
