I think my fart just growled at me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
