I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
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Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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