The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
