You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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