You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
