I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
