Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
