Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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