boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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