I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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