After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There's always time for handjobs
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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