i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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