I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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