Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
