come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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