get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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