i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
