At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
