I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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