My room smells like vodka and shame
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
