i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
