I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
