i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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