So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
