duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Mom said you looked used
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
