I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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