You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
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the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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