The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
