Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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