Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
