he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Green mimosas i think yes
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
