"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
