I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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