There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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