yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
