Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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