remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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