Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
