PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
