She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
