Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my shit smells like andre
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
