His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
