If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
