I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
