Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
