Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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