She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
