there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
