dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Shame is for Republicans.
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