if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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