Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
