my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize