Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
