i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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