I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
