I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
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Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
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you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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